Welcome back! If you missed my previous recaps of The Valley, be sure to check them out.
The Valley is a Dayton-produced reality show: Everyone has something to prove. So what’s your story?
The cast includes:
Ally – Volleyball ace
Chris – Shirtless with a drag queen
Stephanie – “No one is talking to me.”
Donald – Throws down a beat
Alexys – Her mom has got it goin’ on
Nathan – “I just don’t like getting muddy”
Last episode, Stephanie learned about the TV news business during her largely off-camera visit to a TV station, everyone went back to Camp Kern and we found out Chris is a virgin.
Theme song : “Do you have what it takes?” To watch this show two more times? To understand anything in Don B’s rap? To play volleyball in the mud?
First adventure: El Toro (still)
Good God. They are still doing this drama. Stephanie and Alexys are recapping their argument in interviews. And they are playing the whole thing again. This is so boring.
Second adventure: Epilepsy Foundation Mud Volleyball
They all play volleyball in the mud for charity. Stephanie and Alexys look like jocks, everyone else just looks muddy.
In one of the opening shots of the mud, Stephanie appears to be gagging. She later looks happier when she is writing her name on Donald with mud.
Oh, God. Muddy Donald and Chris are talking about the drama.
Chris: “It’s high school bullshit.”
Click here to watch the episode.
Third adventure: Alexys’s Mom’s house
Alexys has a hot Mom and all the troubles that come with it. This exchange is so surreal that I have to quote it a bunch below:
Mom: “I love Alexys’s boyfriend Johnny. I would date Johnny. He brought me sushi. He is so cute.”
Alexys: My other boyfriends have tried to date my Mom. “They got her number off the emergency contact list on our fridge.”
Mom: “They used to sing songs about me on the bus.”
Chris: All the guys love Alexys’s Mom. Laughing.
Alexys has a cute little brother, who knew.
Fourth adventure: Poleking Lanes South
Everyone goes bowling and brings their friends.
Stephanie has WEIRD friends. Asked to describe her in one word, her friend says “ignorant.” Because “she is the craziest friend I know.” What the hell does that even mean?
Other random friends struggle and fail to use one word.
Chris has a twin sister. Sub-adventure interview at their house.
Fifth adventure: Club Masque downtown Dayton
They bring friends for a Wednesday night par-tay! Because it’s college night and straight night, says Chris.
The emcee is a drag queen who invites them all to do a twerking competition. Much like with the tent last week, we do not find out who grinds the best.
Chris: “Nathan twerking was a like a wooden board breaking.”
Chris takes off his shirt on stage—he says the drag queen made him do it.
Drag queen: “Are you gay or straight? I love a challenge.”
Donald does an impromptu rap. His rap name is Don B.
Nathan: “I underestimated his rapping skills. They are pretty good. They exist.”
We end with more of the freaking drama. What were the producers planning to use as 75 percent of their material if there hadn’t been girl drama? It’s a reality show, duh, stupid question.
This post originally appeared on 2thebacon.com. Included here with permission from one of Dayton's biggest reality TV fan (HA!), me.